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Do you feel like it’s tough to thrive as a middle-aged woman? Maybe you’re even trying to get there when single in your 40s or 50s? The world is built for couples and the young. It can seem like you’re surrounded by married people reaping all the benefits of a duo with half the effort. Add the emergence of wrinkles and it’s easy to think that your value to the world is decaying with each passing year. But it isn’t so!
I was terrified to turn 40 and once viewed it as a turning point in my life. Could anything good happen after age 40? I found myself never married and with no kids but also stuck in a series of jobs that didn’t fit me well. It was a dark time, and no amount of birthday candles would light it up.
But I have made it to the other side and can honestly say my 40s are shaping up to be the best decade of my life so far. I want that for you, too! I’m happy to share my top 5 takeaways to date:
Optimize your autonomy
It can feel totally overwhelming to have every choice available to you. Where to live when you’re not tied down anywhere? What kind of job to apply for next? Which weekend activity to pursue? This is the well-known paradox of choice. You can learn to trust yourself and your decision-making process. I hope you recognize the great fortune of being the boss of your own single life.
I’ve had the umm…privilege? of making several big life decisions on my own. I can relate to the agony of committing to a big shift like a career change or inter-state move. You’re the only one to blame if something blows up in your face! Still, it’s important to remember that the outcome of your decision is determined more by the attitude you bring to it than the actual choice you make. Fully commit to your choice and approach it with an open mind. Chances are you’ll feel you made a good move. Or at the very least you’ll learn a valuable lesson.
My Experience thriving as a single woman in my 40s
As an example, I spent the first couple decades of adulthood pursuing a career in medicine that I ended up disliking for many reasons. Eventually, I shifted into public health as my profession. This was a really tough journey, and I’ll share much more in future posts. Recognizing that I was the one in control helped me find my way to a positive outcome. I did the research and weighed the options. I decided what my deal breakers were and what I valued most. And I brought an open mind into any new pursuits.
This isn’t about being selfish. It’s about designing your life in a way that aligns with what you value. Living the single life means you’re in the driver’s seat and can steer yourself in the direction that is best for your long-term contentment.
Allow yourself to feel empowered
Now you’ve acknowledged what a gift it is to make choices on your own. Don’t forget to congratulate yourself on your accomplishments and your extremely impressive personal growth! This adulting stuff is hard, even for people who do have partners. You’re encouraged to feel like the boss you have proved you are.
I remember how scary it was to leave a secure job and take a risk on a career change. I’ve also had several people tell me they think I’m brave for having done it. I don’t mind agreeing with them. The best part is that I showed myself I was fully capable of navigating a very difficult and impactful life change. Every subsequent life change has been just a little bit easier. I had my own experience to draw from and empower me. I wouldn’t go so far as to ask for huge challenges, but I no longer fear them. Now I have the life skills to manage and grow from each one that comes my way.
Follow your passions
Are you feeling amped yet? Good! Now it’s time to bask in your own glory and develop your hobbies. You probably already have hobbies, or at least ideas on what interests you outside of life’s obligations. Life is busy. Maybe you only have a small amount of time to devote to pursuits that are purely for your own enjoyment. I have found that we neglect hobbies at our own risk. Merely ticking the boxes of all the must-do’s can feel a little empty.
If you have lots of time and money for hobbies, then go for it! For those with fewer resources to invest, it’s still possible to fit leisure into your life. While I have a few hobbies I love, one that brings me daily joy is cooking. I’m a very practical person and highly value my health. I look at cooking as an activity with multiple wins. I find it to be a creative outlet, I feel like I’m nourishing my body with (mostly) the good stuff, and I have to eat anyway, so it might as well be good!
Whatever it is that moves you, be sure to make space for it in your life. Fun is essential.
Invest in friends and/or family
There are only so many hours in the day, right? Relationships is another realm of single life that is worth every minute you put into it. Friends and family provide the support network we all need. Especially those of us who are flying solo through the world. A truly rich relationship with a friend or family member is reciprocal. I may need your help now, then it will be my turn to support you in the future when you’re in a tough spot.
In my younger days of school and in-person workplaces I found it much easier to meet new people. My days have since shifted to remote work and fewer built-in places to mingle. I’ve discovered that meeting folks and fostering relationships requires much more intentional effort. I have also found this extra effort to pay great dividends. The people I’m close to now are the ones with whom I share interests. Not just those who are conveniently sitting at the next desk over. The friends I’ve met through trail running are some of the closest relationships I’ve ever had. There’s something about working hard together in the outdoors that opens us up to reveal our true selves.
Find a group in your area that gets together regularly to connect, whether it’s to go for walks, knit, discuss a book, or play board games. Put yourself out there and invite a new acquaintance out for coffee. Relax, it’s only coffee. Keep in touch over the little things in life since that’s how deeper connections grow.
Cultivate Purpose to Live Your Best Life
This is a big one. Sometimes I’ve felt like I’m wandering through life with no direction and it’s not a warm and fizzy feeling. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned over time is that I’m the one in charge of cultivating a purposeful life. Purpose isn’t going to show up at my house and ring my doorbell. A lucky few of us seem to be born with a clear purpose. I think it’s much more common for this to be a work in progress over the course of a life. And don’t forget that your purpose will almost certainly change as you evolve with time.
Purpose doesn’t need to hold meaning for anyone other than you. Maybe you simply want to be the best version of yourself. Or you might have a goal that forms your purpose. Going back to school, buying a house, or finding one new friend this year. When you’re feeling like you may have lost your way in the melee of life, knowing your purpose will help you ensure you remain on the right path.
Remember that much of single life is mundane and it’s highly unlikely you’re going to be crushing goals every day. Give yourself a break and recognize that as long as you’re living in a way that aligns with your purpose you’re doing just fine.
The Bottom Line on Thriving as a Middle-Aged Woman
These tips for a satisfying single life in your middle years are easy to read and tricky to adhere to day after day. It takes a lot of self-reflection, emotional bandwidth, and missteps to optimize a life. Take comfort in knowing that everyone is a masterpiece in progress and there’s no rush. You may be catching subliminal messages from our youth-obsessed culture that you’re over the hill and on your way down, but this isn’t true. It’s called midlife because, hopefully, you have decades left to enjoy your time on Earth. Your best years are ahead of you if you want them to be. You’re a cheetah – get out there and make it happen.